|
News, gossip, government hijinx, and more in our Archives page!
Insurance Quotes |
ArchivesFebruary 23, 2006 Mosque attack pushes Iraq more toward civil war than at any time since we invaded Surprise, surprise: Diebold voting machines in California re-certified when nobody's looking U.S. governors on Bush's plan to turn over some ports to an Arab country: Not so fast, cowboy... P.S. The Arabs would also get control of some military shipments in the deal Alliance of U.S. churches denounces Iraq war. Curiously, they do so from Brazil. Barbarian Nation: The Torturers Win America still has Freedom of Speech, more or less. Austria? Well... not so much. Remember the asshat Houston police chief who wants to put surveillance cameras on every street corner and in everybody's homes? Well, paybacks are hell, motherfucker! You have GOT to check out this video of quadruplets who can't stop laughing at Dad's antics Indiana Jones 4 is apparently a GO project. Yahoo Mail is refusing to let people use the letter combination 'A-L-L-A-H' in their usernames. That means you, too, Callahan. "Oh, yeah. Well, what about the rights of that little girl." Hey, here's some proof - Scientific PROOF, mind you - that Creationism is true and accurate. God bless America! Voice of the Red Sox, Goudy passes on Remember the Exxon Valdez spill? Guess how much of the $5 billion judgment Exxon has paid out? C'mon, guess! Bush wants line-item veto power... and Congress is less than enthusiastic One year ago the White House created a Civil Liberties Board to look at cases where the government oversteps its power... of course, the board has never met once Some actors featured in a movie called The Road To Guantanamo were held up by airport security. I feel safer. Ex-Malaysian Prime Minister says Abramoff had been paid to arrange a meeting between him and Bush - but he also says he doesn't know who actually put up the money Last Tuesday, the Energy Department had to scramble to get together $5 million to rehire some employees - because President Bush was scheduled to speak there that day February 21-22, 2006 Bin Laden vows he'll never be caught. I vow to finish this ham sandwich. For Allah! Hooray for America part 799: US rules shield industries from lawsuits The Shame of the [Bush Admin] Prisons Italian court sez sex crimes aren't as serious if the chick's a slut... or Italian words to that effect Verisign wants to control the .Com business... forever! Saudi newspapers: Danes apologize for cartoons. Danes: Like hell we did New James Bond actor Daniel Craig loses two teeth filming his first fight scene. (Screw the naysayers; Craig is going to be a fantastic James Bond, seriously) Scientists invent invisible buildings. Um... yeah. February 20, 2006 Homeland Security apes rebuke library patrons about porn. Don't worry - they've been 'reassigned.' Cheney shooting victim apologizes... to Cheney. Meanwhile, ghosts of September 11th apologize to hijackers & bin Laden. We all had a good laugh when it was through, and some cake. Gonzales withholding Plame emails? - via truthout 'Latest airline threat: people who read books.' Actually, I'm only afraid of Henry Rollins reading his own poetry out loud. Bush admin to sell off 300,000 acres of public forest to pay off some debts. Maybe Halliburton has opened up a logging firm. More voters approve of Bush than disapprove of him... in only 7 Goddamn states. I'd give a special shout-out to Utah, but they're probably too fucking stupid to log on to the Internets. Nations pay athletes to win Olympic gold. You couldn't pay me enough to watch the fucking Olympics. See? We're not so different once you get to know us. U.S. join hands with Iran, China, Zimbabwe, and Sudan... to hate gay people The Republican Party is asking fundamentalist churches to hand them their church member lists for campaign purposes. Anybody surprised? Paleontologist in New Zealand finds evidence of giant penguins in ancient times Indiana tree may be more than 6,000 years old. Top Moslem clerics offering a bounty of... ONE MILLION DOLLARS... to whoever kills the Danish cartoonists that made fun of Muhammed. (One wonders where the clerics are getting the million bucks.) February 18 & 19, 2006 Judge orders Bush admin surveillance program information released God bless His chosen motherfuckers: A new 'Museum of Tolerance' is being built in Israel... on top of a Moslem cemetary Sure, but it's great that Saddam's gone, right? ...right? Iraq's brand-new Interior Ministry has apparently already fielded a Death Squad From our 'You're Not Sorry You Did It, You're Just Sorry You Got Caught' department: US Regrets Release of Additional Abu Ghraib Photos Surprise, surprise: People from other countries hate us more than ever. 'Brightest galactic flash ever' hits Earth. "Had this happened within 10 light-years of us, it would have severely damaged our atmosphere and possibly have triggered a mass extinction." Basra provisional council in Iraq to Danish troops: Get out. Danish troops: Bite me. A former NSA employee said there is other illegal hanky-panky we don't know about; but get this: it's 'classified' so he can't even tell the Congressional intelligence committees what he knows I haven't said it yet today, so: God bless Larry Flynt! Now we've just found out that he sends every issue of Hustler to each member of Congress! Kid Rock and Scott Stapp (the turns-out-he's-not-a-queer) from Creed will be appearing in a forthcoming sex tape. Yep... another 'good Christian' caught being naughty. Military unit had fingered Mohammed Atta months before Sept 11th; also kinda-sorta foresaw the U.S.S. Cole attack The Wall Street Journal looks at how our government is basically trying to force porn off the internet. Free country, my ass. Greek hiker finds 6,500-year-old pendant. What, was it just lying on top of the ground? Firefighters stand by and watch while homeowner injures himself fighting blaze. Way to go, guys. February 17, 2006 Iraqi government denounces Abu Ghraib abuse. Too bad for them they're surrounded by our huge, impenetrable military bases. Cheney 'unapologetic' about shooting. Gee, that's not like him at all... 'Beer quote' pulled from Cheney hunting article Israeli troops shoot retard. Way to go, God's chose motherfuckers! UN: "Torture." Bush admin: "Nuh-uh." John Kricfalusi, creator of Ren & Stimpy (among other things), has a blog Newly forming solar system has planets running backwards Have we been living in a state of national emergency for over six decades? Yeah, there's that liberal media again: "No Checks, Many Imbalances" Check this awesome dude out: "Death in Iraq is not a career opportunity for young Americans." February 16, 2006 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' cost nation about a third of a billion dollars over ten years. Heck, Cheney spends that much on heart medication and fresh defribilators in ten months. Report press MclLellan on delay in reporting Cheney shooting incident AMERICABlog: [White House spokesman] Scott McLellan knew Whittington had had a heart attack when he was joking with reporters Interview with Larry Flynt on the Danish cartoons fiasco. (Y'know, a lot of people hate the guy, but he's worth a hundred of Bush's crooked ass in my book) This shit is priceless! - Fark.Com posts a link to a rumor about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes breaking up, and apparently Tom himself writes in to rebuke them (stupid-actor's-ass grammar and all)! New Abu Ghraib photos released. Yeah, that's America - a good Christian nation Lawyers Group Says Bush Exceeds His Powers Over a year and a half the Bush administration paid $1.6 billion for domestic propaganda. Screw the poor. Since there's plenty of money for poor people, the war effort, and education, the government will probably let big oil companies get out of paying billions in public royalties God bless America: CIA chief fired for opposing torture Fifty years ago, the Army purposely infected U.S. citizens with biological weapons agents. Why are we getting all this from foreign news outlets?!! Check out this honkin' huge prototype passenger aircraft. I don't know about you, but I smell a new Irwin Allen movie... Sweet Jayzus, yes! It's here - the 2006 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue! (with Maria Sharapova, even!) Your taxpayer dollars at work: MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) given to Katrina evacuees for sale on frickin' eBay February 15, 2006 Blair says claims of abuse by British soldiers in Iraq will be investigated. Now, watch this putt. Check out this website featuring drawings of aliens by children... children who were abducted by aliens, dude! Whooooah! Boy charged with felony for bringing sugar to school. Yes, he's still being charged even though everyone knows it's just Goddamn sugar. God bless our free republic. UNH stops use of the song "Black Betty" at games after complaints from politically correct pussies. I suggest "Highway to Hell," "Hair of the Dog," and some of David Allen Coe's early songs Disturbance Prompts Convention Center Lockdown: '“Light Entertainment” outside the Black College Expo drew the “wrong crowd”' Basketball fans asked to stop yelling "Brokeback Mountain" during games. Whenever I go to a sporting event, I like to read off the names of porno knockoffs like Edward Penishands and Bang the Girl Slowly. Big, nice-smelling worms found in Washington (state). Unfortunately, the other Washington is still crawling with spineless vermin. Government to Katrina victims: Hit the road, Jackson! You too, sex offenders! No, George Bush isn't for sale to oil interests... oh, by the way, the United Arab Emirates are taking over six US shipping ports. Consider it entrapment... of my heart! Town's deputies go the distance to convict prostitutes Group vows not to purchase any new retail items (except food, health items & - thank God - underwear) in 2006. It's okay - they're from San Francisco. Want to see yourself in tomorrow's news? Fill out this cool little script! Supporting democratically-elected governments, my ass: Israel & US looking into ways to get rid of Palestinian leaders Nurse investigated for sedition after writing letter critical of government. President Lincoln will look into it. Via the Smoking Gun, the first official report on the Cheney shooting. (How I've longed to type 'the Cheney shooting'... unfortunately he was the one with the gun) In Washington state, it might become illegal to pad your resume. Fortunately, I've got my gynecologist's license. February 13-14, 2006 Testing, check, check. Sibilence, sibilence... is this thing on? So... how do you hijack a plane with a shoe bomb? Via Media Matters: Top 12 Media Myths and Falsehoods About the Bush Administration's Spying Scandal What you always suspected about Netflix: if you rent too frequently, you get put at the back of the line Woman plants SEX OFFENDER sign on wrong guy's house. God bless America. Akira Ifukube, who scored most of Godzilla's greatest adventures as well as other fine Toho features, has left us. Olympian given one-year suspension for taking hair-restoration product - even though the judging committee admits he didn't cheat. Cupcakes face complete eradication from the classroom. Let's turn all our kids into good little politically-correct vegetarian robots. KY bill would ease gun prohibitions on some school properties. (People were being busted on land they didn't know belonged to the local school system.) 8 cross-country Olympic skiers suspended for five days for having too much hemoglobin. Bloody 'ell! VP Cheney 'accidentally' shoots fellow hunter. The guy must know too much. Record-breaking snow hits northeast; thumbs nose at global-warming advocates February 11-12, 2006 Good news for rapists & other criminals in Britain: citizens no longer allowed to carry knives. More here. (Somewhere a Highlander is weeping.) You know that skyscraper in L.A. that Bush said was going to be blown up by Al Qaeda? Well, aliens beat them to it. Libby says leaks authorized by his 'superiors'. I don't know about you, but George Bush isn't my superior in any way whatsoever... well, maybe financially. FISA court's judges were warned about NSA spy data New Line Cinema pursues unique marketing technique: be a video game actor who goes down on one of the female characters. No, link not safe for work. Get this shit: the Canadian Red Cross wants its red-cross-on-white pattern no longer used in video games & such, claims trademark infringement. The nation of Switzerland has something to say about that. Abramoff says he met with Bush 'almost a dozen' times. But if they haven't tongue-kissed yet, it's still not considered going steady Jury indicts two whom the US govt calls spies. In other news, pot calls kettle black Italian atheist who sued Catholic Church over laws concerning deceiving the public has his case thrown out Prince Abdullah of Bahrain reportedly kicks Michael Jackson out of his home. (This is from Fox News, so it's probably total crap.) God bless the attorneys. Paint manufacturers' lawyers say Rhode Island has no proof that lead-based paint causes lead poisoning in children February 10, 2006 Biggest news of the day: Not to be outdone by the Who, Cream plan further reunion shows. Tell my friend, poor Willie Brown Essential reading from the National Journal: Guantanamo's Grip. MTV searching for young hosts for cryptozoology-themed show. How about a version of The Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Sasquatch? (She'd probably hump him and walk off the set.) The guys at Cryptome are interviewed by the FBI. Keep up the good work, boys. Oakland: Litter tax proposed for fast-food garbage around city schools. What the hell do the schools have to do with it? Former strip-club waitress mails condom bombs to various members of her community. Still probably not the most volatile substances she's ever seen in a condom. Researchers pull numbers out of their asses, declare the Grand Theft Auto franchise to be worth $900 million. Ancestor of T. rex found. The apple didn't fall too far from the tree. British potato-chip factory workers get salty, crispy severance package. Photos of Katie Couric being shat upon. Too bad it's only birds. (Feel free to ignore the rest of the Drudge site.) US sets up new Iraqi prison system. Hooray for democracy. Judge rebukes Congress over crooked bankruptcy laws. Vancouver liberals want back $97,000 of the cash they gave to politician who flipped parties on them. (Hey, I guess Canada's conservatives are lying bastards too.) Editors of the student newspaper at the University of Prince Edward Island in trouble for printing the Mohammed cartoons. Marilla & Matthew Cuthbert unavailable for questioning. February 9, 2006 God bless our troops: Army demands $700 from soldier - for damaging the armor in which he was wounded Old [not "ancient"] Russian manuscript clearly shows a UFO. But, you know, it's not the only one. God bless Helen Thomas, the only White House reporter with balls: "You know what happened to Nixon when he broke the law..." Paul Craig Roberts: Who Will Save America? Remember the wet-behind-the-ears, Noah's-Ark-believing dipshit Bush appointee at NASA who didn't believe in the Big Bang? Well... Democrats.Com offers $1,000 to any reporter who will ask a follow-up question to President Bush. (But $1,000 doesn't buy a lot of spine.) God bless Tennessee: State brought in $1.7million last year from tax on illegal substances. Who the fuck thinks this shit up? U.S. expels Venezuelan diplomat: "We don't like getting into tit-for-tat games with the Venezuelan government like this," sez department spokesman anyway. [Todd would like it to be known that he would be happy to receive tit for tat from Jennifer Love Hewitt, Scarlett Johannson, Britney Spears, etc.] "The United States will always rely on foreign imports of oil to feed its energy needs and should stop trying to become energy independent" - sez a top Exxon Mobil executive, of course Powell's former chief of staff, on Iraq intelligence: "I participated in a hoax." God bless America: for the first time in two decades, the U.S. is building brand-new nuclear weapons Vikings filed their teeth, according to studies of remains. (Unlike lawyers, however, they didn't file their teeth down to sharp points.) Lockheed Martin getting into the business of building drone military aircraft. Skynet, Terminator robots just a few years away now. Gold prices fall... finally. In the past year it's gone up 38 friggin' percent WHO the fuck are YOU??!! Townshend & Daltrey are planning a new Who album February 8, 2006
Bush budget imperiled because Yes! Oh, sweet Jesus, yes! Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johannson get nekkid for magazine cover! 'Dept of Homeland Security increases capacity to detain, deport illegal immigrants.' That means building big, scary stateside prisons. And guess who gets the contract? Alien found in jar in British man's attic. It even still has the little American military serial number on its foot. Ha ha ha! Check it out: Torture Boy claims Lincoln, Washington also used electronic surveillance! From Discourse.Net: the President claims the power to kill you New pill to increase dreaming sleep. Freddy Krueger heard to whisper, "It's all going according to plan..." Not a new story, but check it out anyway: Historic Motown building demolished to make parking for useless Superbowl Google delists BMW Germany for black-hat SEO. (In normal language: BMW Germany is kicked out of Google's search engine directory for using fraudulent or misleading techniques to increase their search engine rankings. W00t!) The 'American Decency Association' takes on Superbowl 2006. Favorite line: "So here we are gathered in our living rooms and here's an ad for Pizza Hut featuring Jessica Simpson with an adolescent boy with sexual allusions of seduction." Lucky little bastard! Next week's program: John Waters's Pink Flamingos. Oil prices up sharply after Iran spurns nuclear inspections, because... um... September 11th! War on Terror! Freedom! Look, just buy the damn crude already and nobody gets hurt. Speakers at Coretta Scott King's funeral take time to dis Bush to his face during eulogies [with bad African-American poetry... ugh] The latest trend in law enforcement: send a freakin' army of SWAT guys no matter what the assignment Ever wondered what happens to all that stuff that airline passengers are forced to leave behind before they board the plane? Check this shit out February 7, 2006 Steelers win fifth Superbowl title. As if anyone gives a shit. L.A.'s Future is Up in the Air - by Ray Bradbury via Loren Coleman's Cryptomundo: Does a Cambodian carving depict a stegosaurus? NASA keeps open mind about the origin of the universe and that whole Big Bang theory - well, at least the 24-year-old Bush-appointed, ex-Bush-Cheney-campaign intern does Check this out: Color Stereogram Directory 'We Are All Danes Now.' I'm a Great Dane. British ice cream man convicted of selling pirated CDs, DVDs. Not enough profit in chocolate sprinkles, I guess. Synthetic blood to be better than original. Vampires grumble it won't taste as good, though February 6, 2006 Moslem rioters causing all kinds of shenanigans in the Middle East over Danish cartoons of Mohammed. You can see the most offensive one by turning your gaze to the upper left of this page... where it will stay for a long, long time. Afghanistan's ancient Bactrian gold on display. I didn't even know bacteria used money. U.S. nuclear lab to be defended with Gatling gun. Meanwhile, British troops are getting ready to use a new shoulder-mounted bunker-buster 'Grandpa' Al Lewis passes on at 82 Yuppin' Yemeni! USS Cole attacker, al-Qaeda member escapes from prison 56-year-old librarian to FBI: Suck it! Joint Chiefs all in a lather over Washington Post cartoon depicting wounded soldier - scroll down this page to see it. Also: Read the Chiefs' letter (pdf format, ugh) here. (Uh huh huh... 'joint chiefs.') Update: Despite eminent domain considerations, Justice Souter can keep his house Iran fires back at nuclear hand-wringing with "Hey, Israel's got 'em too." Which is true, of course. Russia to be at their edgiest since the beginning of the Cold War: vodka shortages seen in future Kentucky Governor's communications director erupts into profanity over prayer breakfast. (Probably "My fuckin' eggs are cold, bitch!") Say it ain't so, fatass! Oprah promoted lying-sack-of-crap author because of a quid-pro-quo arrangement with Jennifer Aniston. What do you get when you add the gay comedy Will & Grace, babalicious Britney Spears, and a mocking of Jesus's crucifiction? A damn good half-hour of television, that's what! February 4-5, 2006 Nearly 1,400 feared lost in Egyptian ferry disaster Venezuela's Hugo Chavez expels American for spying - right, as if the Bush Admin wanted to get rid of a democratically-elected leader How close does a motorcyclist have to be before you see him when driving? Check out this video. Stephanie from Full House on meth? What's next, Gary Coleman on steroids? Britain's Sun Online discusses which lingerie goes with which mood. (Although, let's be honest, they all add up to the same thing.) Robot finds Greek shipwreck from 350 BC. Sarah Connor next.
 It's called Freedom of Speech, mother fuckers! February 3, 2006 Judge rebukes ex-EPA chief over telling New Yorkers the air was just fine after September 11th What Really Happened - by Cindy Sheehan, via truthout Remember when Bush promised to lower America's dependence on foreign oil in his speech just two fuckin' days ago? Well, he's already backing out of it. White House may have destroyed some emails in 2003 relating to the Valerie Plame dealio. We may have to get rid of some public scoundrels. Does President Bush have the right plan? Go there to vote, if only just to see the sweet results Helen Thomas hands out an ass-whoopin'... as usual OUTRAGE IN TENNESSEE!!! Cheerleader dismissed from squad for being a Hooters waitress Hokkaido may ban the sale of used underage schoolgirl panties. No, we're not making this up. God bless Japan! South Dakota may remove horses & bicycles from DUI laws. Cowboys and messengers celebrate with a nip or two February 2, 2006 Bush Confident Despite Mounting Challenges. Challenges include speaking, spelling, and going to the potty all by himself. Here's the text to the State of the Union speech Sen. Feingold charges Atty Gen Gonzales with lying his ass off during confirmation hearings... meanwhile Fed wiretap rules are challenged in court US forces fire on Canadian vehicle in Iraq Cindy Sheehan released after being arrested for wearing a fucking T-shirt. And... Here's the 1971 Supreme Court decision saying she shouldn't have been arrested in the first place Amnesty International puts the [verbal] smackdown on Yahoo for complicity in jailing of Chinese activist Electronic Freedom Foundation sues AT&T for collaborating with domestic spying program Postal worker goes... well... postal. Magic mushrooms banned in Ireland. Orange stars, pink hearts, green clovers, & blue diamonds still okay... for now One more reason not to get caught in Canada: Canuck prisons ban indoor smoking. the 100th British servicemen has died in Iraq. This being America we had to push things 22 times as far Is Google going to buy Napster? And more, can they afford to? February 1, 2006 Armada II: This Time It's Personal - Britain & Spain at odds over shipwreck holding nine tonnes - tonnes - of gold Palace Revolt: some Bush advisors actually worth a damn - via Newsweek "You're bustin' my balls, Hans Brix!" Part II: the Revenge Surprise, surprise: Exxon-Mobil posts record profit of 10.7 billion - that's Billion - dollars Click here to see Sleepless In Seattle remade into a suspense-thriller trailer. (Warning: 20MB download) Jack the Ripper named Most Evil Briton; Simon Cowell doesn't even make it into the Top 10 Land of the free, my ass: provision snuck into Homeland Security bill will allow jailing of protestors Homeland Security now has control over your name. Just ask Mr. FUN. Did you hear a distant [pop]? Mortgage foreclosures hit 12-year-high (in Massachusetts, anyway) Ask your doctor if Nyxem is right for you. Nasty internet virus to hit in two days I could swear I've read this story before Back to The Todd Frye Experience |
